i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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