I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
