Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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