i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
where are you?
Hypothermia
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
