My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
