we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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