I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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