You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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