I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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