bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
