pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the day after is always just damage control
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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