i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
