I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Randomize
