Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
