Umm I'm too high to move.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
