I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
