I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
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Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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