i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
