Don't make out with my wife yet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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