dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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