so that wasnt chicken after all
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
