Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
