I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
