Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
