good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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