oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
