I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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