I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
