u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
