dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
