My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
