I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have feelings that need drinking.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
