The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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