two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
