like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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