I think I died a long time ago.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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