literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
