I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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