Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
