I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
