Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
