Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
