please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
