Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
