I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
