I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
