I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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