Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
