doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
