I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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