bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
