I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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