You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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