This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
