Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
