you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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