i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
