u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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