In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
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I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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