I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
