My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
